Body image is my biggest struggle. It’s so hard to talk about that I am in tears already. I’d stop now, but I hope to deter one person from this path.
My thinking went askew when I was 8-years-old, wearing a half-size dress. Half sizes are for kids who are thicker around the middle. I had a belly and hated it. I wanted to be stick thin like other girls; like girls on TV. So I started dieting.
The battle between me and my body intensified from age 9 to 13. Then a friend introduced me to puking on purpose. It’s difficult, so I only did it when I overate.
High school was horrible for me socially. Despite excellent grades and above-average athletic ability, I did not like myself. My desire to be thin was insatiable. By dieting, I was fit and probably thin for my body by the end of sophomore year. That wasn’t enough. Over the summer and into my junior year, I ate less, exercised more and threw up often – up to five times a day whether I had eaten or not.
Did I become a twig? No. That’s not my body type. I ran cross country and played basketball, tallying up to eight hours of exercise a day on no food. I was starving. At night my muscles cramped so that I could not roll over or lift my arm. I knew I could not persist, so I sought help.
My family doctor initiated an intervention in which my parents and coaches watched me like hawks. I had to eat breakfast after morning practice or they would force me to eat. I had to stay in sight after meals at home.
Where is this gross story going? To the loss of my tonsils that year; stress fractures in my legs from ankle to knee; and the end of high school sports, my only solace.
Worse yet, the effects haunt me still. My gallbladder rotted when I was 23. If I get nauseous, I cannot stop. I can push a spot at the base of my throat or below my ribs and be sick.
I killed my metabolism and did lifelong harm to my body for what? Smaller jeans? I still struggle with poor body image, but I’ve made progress. I catch myself, and others, regressing to that high school mentality we hated.
Last night a woman told me she worked hard to have a great body for her 25th high school reunion to “show those girls.” Then she realized the “your body verses mine” mentality was what hurt her in high school.
Women, girls and guys too – this is not a competition. We are meant to look different. The body simply protects the spirit. We must love ourselves and exercise to feel good, not punish. Food is the energy, not the enemy. Most importantly, words are weapons. Don’t use them against others or yourself. Namaste.
(On the lighter side, tomorrow I’ll share healthy eating and exercise tips from my roommate Nick, a physical therapist intern and bodybuilder.)
Tags: body image, bulimarexia, bulimic, dieting, exercise, happy, love yourself
